My Collection

DISCLAIMER: This posting is meant for anyone over the age of 12 and/or non believers in magical fairies...so if you don't fall into this category... STOP READING HERE!


Some people collect stamps and some people collect dolls. I even have a small collection of Pendefin Rabbits. However, my biggest collection and the one I am most proud of is my nearly complete collection of pearly white baby teeth. Now, before you get totally grossed out, let me assure you that saving baby teeth is completely normal (isn't it?).


I remember when my oldest son's first tooth fell out and he placed it so proudly under his pillow. I was so excited to take on this new role of "tooth fairy". I couldn't wait until he fell asleep and then tip toe so quietly into his room, staring at his angelic sleeping face as I gently slipped my hand under the pillow to retrieve the little baggy containing the tiny tooth and then replacing it with a silver dollar. When he woke with such delight to see the coin had replaced his tooth, it brought such joy to this mom. Now four kids later, I will admit that being the tooth fairy is sometimes a drag and a job I have indeed failed at! There has been the occasion where, after a glass (or two) of wine, I just plain went to bed and forgot to do the tooth fairy thing. Fortunately for me, my kids can be dense. When they wake up to find the tooth still there and no money, and come shrieking down the stairs...I am quick to recover! I grab some money from my purse when the hysterical kid isn't looking and go with them upstairs to rummage around in the bed sheets to indeed find some cash that I put in there quickly with one hand while calming said child with the other. With a lame, but believable, excuse that the tooth fairy left the tooth there because she wanted them to keep it, or she just couldn't find it, or she was in a hurry to get to the next house, my kid is happy and "believing" again.

My collection is nearly complete. My daughter only has one more baby tooth left and the twins aren't far behind. So what does one do with such a collection? Right now it cannot be proudly displayed in a curio cabinet as the "believers" at my house would wonder why the teeth weren't carried off in the night by a tiny winged girl in a frilly dress. For now they are kept in a red pouch in my dresser drawer (yes with the quarter my daughter swallowed). I could have them made into jewelry, but holy cow that is gross and even hard for me to fathom. http://www.leknockout.com/ And in case you still think I'm a nut case for not just throwing them away there was an article not too long ago that talked about the pulp in baby teeth and future stem cell research (see it isn't just out of sentimentality that I keep this kinda stuff).

According to the 2010 Tooth Fairy Poll (yes there is such a thing) 1,500 parents nationwide were surveyed about tooth fairy giving and dental habits in their households, the going rate for a tooth is $2.13. So to my girlfriend that gave her kid $20 once because that's all she had in her purse, I hope you are reading this and I hope you know kids talk and my children tell me every time they lose a tooth about the day Madeline got this kinda cash from the tooth fairy!!! But I'm not bitter...really. Anyway, the poll didn't ask what these households do with the teeth. I want to know what everyone else does with the teeth! So I am taking my own informal, and not so nationwide, poll and you can feel free to comment and put this in your response.

Creepy

I over heard my 11 year old daughter tell her little brothers that when she grows up her last name will be Beiber. As in, Mrs. Justin Bieber! Gag. What am I doing wrong? How is it that she can find this pretty boy so attractive? And why wouldn't she want to keep her own last name?

It brings me back to the days when my sister Lisa had pictures of Leif Garrett plastered all over our closet doors in the bedroom we shared. Tiger Beat is still as popular as it was 30 years ago and still has these heart throbs in seductive poses pictured all over the front. If you buy the magazine you too can find out the 411 on this rising star, what he FIRST notices about a girl, who his BFF in showbiz is, his favorite candy and more! Do we really care? Apparently my daughter does!

Why are these disturbing young men pointing at my 11 year old daughter and my sister Lisa? Is it supposed to mean, "You are the only one for me?" You and the bazillion other young, impressionable girls that swoon over my long flowing locks...Gag.

Balloon Trick

My boys went to a birthday party on Sunday. They each came home with a goodie bag and in the pouch, along with a bunch of candy, were bags of marbles. I began to panic. Could my boys at age 9 play with marbles? Is this a suitable toy for my two youngest children? After just a few seconds I decided absolutely not and confiscated these seemingly harmless small spherical toys made of brightly colored glass. While most people consider them nostalgic and aesthetically pleasing, at my house they are cause for child protective to come-a-knockin'.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, my kids like to eat things that are not eatable. When my oldest was in preschool he found a penny at preschool. While "napping" on his cot it "fell" into his mouth and got stuck. I called the doctor who said most times these things pass (ewww) but to bring him in for an x-ray. Sure enough, stuck it was, in his esophagus. Bummer! An emergency room visit and a nifty tube through his nose and down his throat while a balloon was inflated to urge the bugger up and out of his mouth again and PRESTO, the penny is now taped in his baby book (what the heck else was I supposed to do with it? Spend it?). Then years later my daughter was laying on the floor of the family room when one of the twins tossed a quarter into her mouth - I pictured it like a carnival game - since I wasn't right there, but slacking off sitting on the couch in another room eating bon bons. It too got stuck in her esophagus. Bummer. Back to the emergency room for what I thought was going to be the easy tube balloon trick. Nope! This earned us a ticket for an over night stay in the hospital and an endoscopic procedure with anesthesia the next morning. That quarter is in my dresser drawer and not taped in my daughters baby book. If you are asking why not? then clearly you either don't have children or stopped at one. The second child has only a partially complete book and don't even ask about the third and fourth kids baby books!

So while I am bearing all about what a crappy mom I am and how odd my kids are... then there was the day in second grade where one of the twins came home and said "a bean fell into his ear!" Don't you just hate when that happens? So I got on the horn to make an appointment with the pediatrician, like a good and responsible mother, and while on hold the 8 year old decided to go into the bathroom and use a q-tip. Great! Now the poor doctor had to use the looooooong tweezers.

My kids are not allowed to touch marbles. I can only imagine what orifice they might stick them in!

Bad Hair Day

It was picture day at the school where I work on Monday. It was absolute torture for most of the kids who got their pictures taken and pure agony for all of us in the general vacinity.

I know most parents feel obligated to buy them, but are the pictures ever worth sharing or displaying? My kids always have that "I'm smiling!" cheesy smile face where they look more like they are gritting their teeth. Who ever thought it was a good idea to line up 5 year olds and then one by one make them sit on a black box with two bright lights shining on them? The picture lady tells them to "sit up straight, neck stretched, tilt your head, chin down, hands on knees, say squishy pickles and smile". Then when you are done you get handed a black, plastic comb. Yeah right...theses kids looked terrified!

So I went home and pulled out my picture from school at age 5. I don't look scared at all. I was a ham for any camera at that age but WTF happened to my hair? Seriously! Did I cut it myself or was this a "mommy home cut" or did a professional actually do this? These are questions I want answers to (Sue do you know?). I think this was the beginning of the many, many bad hair days I have had over the years. I so envy all the people who have nice hair. I do not! I have uncooperative hair. I could spend time on it in the morning, blow it dry, curl or even straighten it, spray it and it looks good for all of about 10 minutes. Then it goes back to just mouse brown, fly away, no style, yucky hair. My solution. Pull it back into a pony tail. I can make it until noon most days until I cannot stand it anymore and then it gets yanked back by a band. Sigh. At least I could smile nice for the camera!

Lunch

This is what I ate for lunch today.
Two Purple Peeps.
I have no excuse.
I suck.

Darling Daughter

Two minutes before the middle school bus is scheduled to come to the bottom of my driveway, my 11 year old daughter says to me, "Mom, how old do you and Dad say I have to be before I can have a boyfriend?" The number that immediately popped in my head was was 32. This is the perfect age to start dating! I know from experience that dating can really get in the way of high school academics and can make college a roller coaster of emotions. In addition, after college a girl should concentrate on her career, maybe travel and hang out with her girl friends! Guys in there 20's are idiots. Seriously! Most will readily admit this. Yes, Darling Daughter, the answer to your question is 32! Fortunately my mouth was busy drinking my first cup of coffee and didn't blurt out this age. Instead I swallowed, then gulped and said, "Was there someone in particular you had in mind?" The 6th grader in question turned a bright shade of pink and out the door she went. Too late, I thought. She already has a boyfriend. Ughhhh. But how can this be? Don't all 11 year old boys have cooties?

The Grass is Not Always Greener

I am not going to win what certainly feels like a competition in my neighborhood. Let me just put that out there. I have all the right tools, I think, (riding lawn mower, rakes, and a long handled weeder) and I might even have the necessary knowledge...but what is clearly missing is the desire! I just don't care if most of the lawn is made up of clover and crab grass and if there is the occasional patch of dandelions. I don't cut on the diagonal because it is just easier to cut straight up and down. Weeding sucks. It just does. Who really enjoys weeding? Edging? Really, why? I just don't see the need.

The problem is my house is in a nice neighborhood. One neighbor has the means to hire a lawn service that comes very regularly, another neighbor is a superintendent at a golf course (I'm not kidding) and the rest are retired and clearly all have OCD. On a Saturday morning, very early, I can hear the roar of the riding lawn mowers all around me and while I think that is supposed to get me motivated to go out and start mine, it really doesn't. Instead I'm thinking of grabbing the fishing poles or the kites and taking the kids to the park.

What do I win if I spend more time on my lawn? Is there a prize for the best looking lawn?

I like to think I keep the lawn like it is because the kids enjoy finding 4 leaf clovers and there is a patch of them right outside the back door. Don't you remember making dandelion necklaces as a kid? And when the flowers go to seed and you could blow it and make a wish... sending zillions of seeds around to make even more dandelins for next year. The French grow dandelions to eat, just as we grow lettuce in our gardens. They are a good source of calcium, potassium, vitamin A, and vitamin C. This year I may even learn how to make dandelion wine! Dandelions are cool!

The other great reason I refuse to obsess about my lawn is that if it is a hot summer, my lawn stays green while all the others on the street turn brown. Yes, I know it is because there are more weeds then grass in my yard, but if you stand back and squint, it's really hard to tell that from the road. Isn't it?

The Physical

My twin boys recently turned 9 years old. With every birthday comes the obligatory trip to the pediatricians office for the yearly physical. Like a good mom I make sure that the boys have a bath the night before and scrub behind their ears. I get them up early, make sure they eat a healthy breakfast and send them up to their rooms to get dressed so we can leave for the morning appointment. They bolt down the stairs and I give them the once over to make sure they are wearing clothes that: A. are clean, B. are suitable for the weather and, C. don't have holes in the knees. This is what a good mom does. I have four kids so I consider myself an experienced mother. I am feeling pretty proud of myself for getting out the door with minimal fuss, no drama and even on time.


We get to the doctor's office and the nurse takes us back to have each boy stand on the scale for weight and height measurements. Then she takes us into a room and takes the boys blood pressure and pulse. All is well. They have grown and are just perfect. I'm not even saying this because I'm their mom either! Then the nurse says, okay boys take off everything except your underwear and socks, put on a gown, and the doctor will be right in.



She leaves and both boys shoot me a look that could stop traffic. "What?" I say. "We do this every year, so just take off your clothes and put on the gowns." The one boy begins to get undressed and the other bursts into tears. I am shocked. "Honestly what is the big deal", I continue, "you can keep your underwear on." This is when my darling child sobs, "But I'm not wearing any underwear!"



As a mother who prides herself on always being prepared I immediately reach down to grab the diaper bag and then instantly remember that I haven't carried one of those in about 7 years. Rats! Then I think, well wait, one of these kids has underwear on....maybe I can take it off of him and put it on the other kid, then do a quick switch-a-roo when the doctor's back is turned....oh hell, never mind. At least I scrubbed behind their ears. That has to count for something!

To Squeeze or Not to Squeeze?

A middle aged woman should not have to deal with a hideous zit in the morning. I did my time, I had my acne as a teenager! And now I have two teenagers with acne! Yet, I still have to cope with a pimple on my nose. This just isn't cool. A dear friend once referred to a blemish of this magnitude as a "Stay Home Zit". She was absolutely right. If you get up in the morning and while brushing your teeth, before you even have your first cup of coffee, you notice a white head or a black head or just a big red bump on the tip of your nose, this should be an automatic call into work, or in my case, call into life. I should get to turn right around and go back up to bed. Let the zit run it's course and then deal with life. However, the dilemma is how long this zit will take to "run it's course". This begs the question "to squeeze or not squeeze"? I am a big fan of the pinch and squeeze method of attack on the pustules. There is such a sense of satisfaction when you are able to squeeze that little bugger and the gunk hits the mirror in the bathroom. Victory is mine! But my kids will tell me it makes it much worse and won't let me near them when their acne flares up. Rotten teenagers! Lucky for me I still get pimples so I can fulfill my need to squeeze. Okay not really, I'd rather just deal with the wrinkles and not the zits!